Sham-Wow!!

So I'm watching Matthew type, right? and he's typing stuff about sleeping in class and dreaming and reacting to dreams, right?? And suddenly he just bursts out in "Fail-fail, fail-fail" in this metronome type rhythym. And rythym is a really wierd word when you look at it on a screen. I think I misspelled it. So, anyway, I'm gonna give you guys the screenplay for Sham-Wow! Guy in Jail, which you can look up on youtube later. It is very funny.

---

Guy that looks like Shamwow guy:(1)


Inmates:( 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etc...)

---

(prison courtyard comes into view)


(Sham-Wow! guy standing at table)


1: Hey, you!


2: Who, me?


1:Yea. you! Yea, you want some playing cards? See these cards? They're made in Germany, y'know the German's always make good stuff.


(flaps cards out of his hands by accident)


1: Okay, I got another offer for ya. (pulls out lighter) See these? You try to light these things on fire, they don't light. Cell phone?(holds up phone) Ain't gonna light! This?(a mug) Ain't gonna light! Now this (cigarette) y'light this on fire, put it in your mouth, ya got a buzz. Now lets talk girls. You want girls? You don't have girls. You get one of these:(produces lingerie magazine)


[INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT -- EDITED BY MR. HAMPTON]


Cameraguy, you gettin' this?(gestures to no one)


3(in spanish): Who are you talking to??


1(hesitates): Who are you talkin' to...?


1: Okay, see this rubber knife? Bendy-bendy(bends knife), this isn't gonna protect yo uwhen Mitch over here tries to [GET] you.(gestures behind to inmate just walking around) But this? (produces switchblade and clicks it open) One stab(stabs Mitch), fleshwound. Two stabs? (stabs twice more) Dead. (starts throwing food onto body) Add ham, egg, some onions, three stabs, you got breakfast. I'm just kidding.


Okay, so here's the slap-chop. You put things in it, you chop it, you got salad. It also doubles as a zip-gun. (points at fat inmate and slaps, inmate is shot in head and dies) So call now, because you know I can't do this all day. I just killed two guys, an' I'm gonna get the electric chair.


(Inmates scatter)



So, y'know the Sham-Wow! guy's name is ironically Offer "Vince" Shlomi, and he's from Israel. Now, Okay, an Israelite is telling us that the Germans make good stuff. Okay, that's freaky. And his name is Offer. Okay, he's offering us amazing! deals on towel products and kitchen utensils, just like Billy Mays. Except it turns out that Billy Mays was really offended. I mean, sure he made everyone want to BUY OXYCLEAN!!!!, but there's really no contest: He's dead and "Vince" is here and just as good, selling us Sham-Wow! and the Slap-Chop, and if Billy Mays was still alive and hadn't hated Vince's guts they could have teamed up and TAKEN OVER THE WORLD!!!
'Course, Billy's dead, and Vince got an "offer"(get it?) from a [GIRL], who bit his tongue off. So now he isn't on T.V. anymore.